Give me something with truth
Give me something with politics
I'll find the argument

You see in times like these we must stay alert
In times like these someone will always be hurt

I mean, I'll be sly if I must
I'll hide if I must
But lie is a different story

Trying to cover truth, afraid of judgement
What jury avoiding
Him, him, them
What do they owe
What right do they have
Whats done is done
The past...may seem relevent but I assure you it isn't

Oh but I'll go along
I'll only tell few
About the earth shattering connection
About the drawn out possession
The mind blowing affections
And....

Nevermind
I'll stay to my word

Oh ambiguity

Nearing five o'clock, still webbing strings of images together trying to make some sense of the matter...

Nothing fits, just a mess of chewed up edges of a jigsaw...some worn down from overuse, some beaten around the edges from resent, some blurry where streams had been...

Too tired to sleep...

One drifting on, curled up and comfortable
One wide awake, yet too afraid at the time, to face the world and open her eyes
The song was playing, and the part came on
Comfortable will never know what her outreached hand meant to the one wallowing in the dark...

And open her eyes went



An image keeps repeating
Not of terror
Not of fear
But a simple romantic gesture for one that never came
A silly, cliche sort of dream
From early childhood
To come home to flowers on the back door step
With a note with just a name

Something about it would somehow make everything seem okay
But flowers?
What are they?
Oh my father gave me flowers once or twice, I remember
Only my father
Well, I suppose I should hold onto that
Since every experience has led to the same answer...
Some dreams, as simple as they may be, don't and wont come true

But that doesn't mean I still can't dream
No one should stop
Every experience is new
Old ones can be wrong
Thats the way we get by

French cut high rise
It's all come together

A long time coming
Theres not much to explain

High profile charades
And snow tipped arms

Lost in the opaqueness
Joined by unsurfaced anguish

Where feeding off another's despondent memories is acceptable
Even helpful

For when do we really feel connected?
When can we just exist in some sort of comradery without feeling less or more?


-


"I love humanity, but I hate people"-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Back to really writing shit...

Lately I've let my tell it like it is attitude slide a bit. I've been too careful with what I say around people and thats not like me at all...

Time to stop

Alright, so first up, people need to start being themselves.
First it starts with phrases, then style, then habits, and now people take on emotions?
Emotions to particular things? What? Now this might not make sense to anyone else but me, but maybe it does. People have found a new way to conform. To create similar stories and mimic emotions, even if the scenarios are totally different. What the fuck. Real fucking annoying. Stop trying to have my life. Just stop. If you for a second think this is about you...then that shows something. Stop and think.

Second, I think its silly when people put things online and want it to be private. Lots of people do it...You know that www in the beginning of websites? That means World Wide Web. WORLD WIDE. Not private only for you web. No. What ever happened to writing things down? People too modern for that anymore? Guess so. Fuck. I know this is accessible to people. And I don't give a fuck. If people want to get offended, then get offended. Just know your getting offended over words on a computer screen... I mean, thats real cool...hold grudges...mature...truth sometimes sucks. Get over yourselves.

Third, people take everything too seriously. Like...if I got upset over half the things I "should" get upset about or even care about, I'd be one sad fuck. I think sometimes people like being a sad fuck. They get attention...they have something to occupy themselves with....they secretly like pity thinking it means people really care about them. Thats bold a bold statement I know...I don't mean everyone is like that at all. I completely understand there are situations where people have every right to be upset. I've been there. But I don't know, if you hang onto shit or care about things that really aren't worth it....you get no where. People get tired of the same story, people may feel bad for you, but that absolutely does not mean they really care. And no one like mopey fucks cryin every 5 minutes. Seriously, find me one person that likes people crying. See I like to think I'm fairly good at reading people, and as good as you think you are at faking something, I know. I totally know. I wont say anything necessarily but trust me I know. I see through lies pretty good.

Which brings me to another thing. When people act tougher than they really are. Cause when your confronted and you back down, it totally proves that your not tough at all....

Oh so today was really apparent of how much I HATE when people ask too many questions. Or on some days, questions at all. Real fucking annoying. I'll say what I want to say. Don't interagate me. I spelled that wrong. eh.

Drama. Drama is for people that have way too much time on their hands. I bitch about drama a lot, but its just because its around soooo much. I hate it. And I'm tired of pretending that I care about petty shit. I've done that a lot, about a lot of things, and that was stupid of me. Honestly, I generally don't care about things people do on myspace,(ok sometimes some things make me smile) or facebook, or boy drama, or girls being catty or why the word cunt is so offensive. I know thats a random one, but oh trust me....someone felt the need to stand up for it. Don't get me wrong, I care about my friends, I do. A bunch. But I really don't care about the little stupid things that upset them so. Because I really don't think these things should upset them, so it makes it very hard to listen to. Look: Guys. Guys come and go. Sometimes they do shitty things, but hey, we do shitty things too. And you will most definately get over it. School. School wasn't meant for you to love it. And sometimes things don't go right, but we're young...everyone I know. We all have our entire lives to figure shit out. Family. Families do and say stupid things sometimes. There are people in our families that we wish we didnt know, but come on, hold onto the family you love and care about. Because one day you'll wake up and see that they are your blood. They are people, and they have flaws just like everyone else. They sometimes are stuborn and make poor choices, but so do you. They wont be around forver. Families shrink pretty quickly if you think about it...so hold onto what youve got. It took me a while to figure that out, and theres definatly times where my family has bummed me out. But don't prolong that. And you don't have to like everyone in your family, just like you dont have to like everyone you meet. Just put your energy into the ones you do like.

Now, I feel like I need to add in a quick disclaimer here. People deal with things differently, I know. There are things I'm not over that happened in the past. But theres a difference on thinking and acting on those feelings every day opposed to knowing those feelings are there and taking appropriate times to express them. And I'm not in a bad mood, just uh, feeling like letting some things out. The things I say in here don't mean I hate the person theyre about, or even dislike the people theyre about. These are just things that get annoying sometimes. Things that maybe people need to think about and realize theyre doing.

I've decided that I tend to laugh at things that I probably "shouldn't". Shouldn't refering to being polite and considering peoples feelings.I don't mean to show any disrespect with it....I just....I don't know. Dont take things that seriously....and see the lighter side in a lot of things? maybe? I dont know. I don't really have a direct answer for why I do it. Just happens.
ooo, irony has to do with it a lot. Just thought of that. Ironic things are funny a lot of the time.



Ok, so I wish people would listen to me once and a while. I'm not saying that in a pathetic no one ever listens to me whiny way, I'm just sayin...that sometimes I give advice, and know what I'm talking about. By all means people dont HAVE to listen to me...but sometimes I just see a trainwreck that could have been totally avoided if people would just get out of their own heads for a minute. That goes for other peoples advice too. Yeah, sometimes people are full of shit...but a lot of the time they know whats up.

So for people who I don't talk to but I know read this, I'm moving out. Gonna be homeless for a little while, and its gonna be alright. Not exactly what I had in mind for the year, but whatever. Shit happens. Shit happens because of dumb suicidal fucks. Ha. Ok but yeah, basically, talk about him coming back, more talk in his depressed voice, talk to other people referring to the night he tried killing themselves and I just cant chance it happening again. I have no trust in the person anymore, and don't know if I'll ever forgive him for how selfish and how much trust the I lost in him. I was sad at first, to end a friendship thats lasted what, almost 5 years or so....but then I snapped back into reality and said, fuck that. Fuck him, fuck whatever he chooses to do, and fuck what he put me through. Not worth my time, thoughts, anything really. not worth anything to me.


hmmm, what else...


Okay, I guess thats it for tonight. Just remeber, if you know I love you and I've said it, I do. Remeber that. And like I said, things in here don't mean I hate anyone or dislike them or anything like that. Oh, and I'm not saying Im perfect, and that Ive never done any of these things. I have in the past, and even think I was stupid doing them. So yeah.


Drugs.

The only thing I wonder, is am I missed?

So, I'm in a fantastic mood....it's apparent that I know amazing people...

So I'd just like everyone to take a moment and appreciate that they have heat.


Ok.