"I wish I knew her better, but who really knows her anyway"

Bingo.

So I've pretty much had it with guns. Twice in one week, and then Christine experienced one more today. Seriously? I still think people should stop being such pussy wussy bitches and actually fight instead of simply pulling a fucking trigger. Come on.


I'm in the apartment alone tonight....and honestly it's pretty nice. I wouldn't mind company of course, but I'm okay right now. And thats awesome.


I'm missing and hating it.
But thats the thing with me. I'm a walking contradiction.
Yes. No. Yes.


I'm feeling a rant coming so this might be a two post night.

EDIT

Okay I just saw a comercial were a mom was explaining to her 4ish year old daughter that their "nan" died, and it was a drug comercial. So everyone make sure your talk to your small children about drugs. Hey honey, can you clean up your barbies? Oh and by the way , don't do crack, your face gets icky.

Right.

"You think this is bad, you should see it up here"-K.V.

Constant conflict of personal existence. I find myself constantly questioning who I am to others. I know myself. I know myself quite well actually, yet I don't know if I am who I am to you and is that the same me as I am to me? Nope. I know my flaws. I know my strengths. I know my fears and who I've always wanted to be. But have I achieved that? The things people get me or say to me or say reminded them of me, illustrates a completely different person than I truly am, yet I can see how they'd gather that illusion. I know my flaws. I wonder if people speak of them when I'm not there. My true flaws. Half the time opinions aren't factual of my real self. Unattractive opinions that is. Well, any opinions that is. I suppose I've constructed a mystery. A puzzle if you will. I didn't start this consciously that much I can tell you. But it's doubtful that any has caught on fully. I know my flaws. And I'm not trying to hide it so much. I've given off clues, yet maybe I'm speaking things in another language. One that no one understands but me. How terribly tragic would that be. Never being figured out? The language only one knew? How terribly lonely. I know my flaws and more....

This is the story of the boys who loed you who love you know and loved you then.

And some were sweet and some were cold and snuffed you, and some just layed around in bed.
And some they crumbled you straight to your knees, did it cruel did it tenderly.
Some had crawled they're way into your heart, to rend your ventricles apart.
This is the story of the boys who loved you.
This is the story of your red right ankle.

KT and my favorite part of this song.


I just sang KT to sleep, and its probably the best thing I've done in a while...

There's a distinct look, late at night, that you can't see whenever you want...it just comes.

Streetlights on the snow, empty streets...so simple

Cars have made some neat patterns in the street

A little snow covered scooter scrunched between big cars

Dull lit sky

Candles

Big empty bed

Laying the wrong way


It's pretty alright

"I won't ever bring up Oswalds again"

Sometimes I wish the only way humans could communicate, was by music or drawings. The music could have words, but it wouldn't be necessary. I think music would just make what people try to get across so much more sincere. The way someone played a guitar, drums, flute, harp, whatever, they wouldn't be able to fake anything. You could "hear" right through it. And I've just always understood things better through pictures.


Why are people so impersonal anymore? Like, something as simple as a toll booth. Every time I go through one, I make the point to look at the person, say hi, and thank them. Then add in have a good day/night. It makes me sad when their face lights up when I do this, because that means the person rarely gets that. I'm not saying everyone is rude to these people, but I often see people barely open their windows, practically throw the money at them and speed off....and I think thats terrible. Imagine being one on one with thousands of people a day, and only having maybe half, maybe less recognize that your a person....


People who over-exaggerate stories annoy me.


I might disappear to California for a month this summer....looking for anyone who'd like to come along.


I wish I knew karate. That'd be pretty cool.


I'm in my old room at my parent's house, surrounded by exercise equipment, and it's strange.


Anyone want to go on a driving adventure soon? .... Does anyone even read this?

The distinction of extinction

When minds compete with themselves it tends to end up messy. It tends to occur near four in the morning, alone, chain-smoking....For smokers at least....For Nyssas at least.

I think the trouble is curiosity. An intense necessity to understand life around me. To understand the unexplainable. I tend to challenge the inevitable.

My findings have been:

1. People will be selfish. They will take what they want, even if it'll shatter someones life. They will act out guilt only when confronted. They will not be tortured every day from what they've done, so why let the torment linger? (note: easier said than done)

2. Someone who nearly dies, does not indeed die. They're still alive. Feeling life drain out of a person may be one of the most horrific experiences to hold in your arms, but life came out of it. So remember that.

3. People don't always get what they deserve. And it sucks.

4. If you find yourself running away from something, finding all the reasons not to, or pertaining fear, it tends to mean what your running from can be something good, and is waiting there for you to fuck it up by acting on that fear. I'm exceptionally good at this one. Longest sentence ever. Trying to change.

5. Sometimes all you need is music, a 40 and a kitten.

6. It's easy to disappear and not even notice.

7. You know fairly sane people, and you know truly fucked up people. The fucked up ones often give better insight.

8. Normal doesn't exist. It shouldn't be a word.

9. I like making lists.

10. We're all just doing the best we can. As long as you keep trying....your ok by me.

Now I'm aware that putting song lyrics on blogs has had this mask of teenage angst put over it...buuuut I don't think it is so I'm gonna do it. Cause sometimes other people can explain things I think in words better than I can. Which is kind of alarming, but I've still got my paintings and drawings and stuff so I can still get out what I'm thinking on my own....ish.


Karma Police
I've given all I can
It's not enough
I've given all I can
But we're still on the payroll
-
For for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
-

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

But In This Ever Changing World In Which We Live In
Makes You Give In And Cry
Say Live And Let Die
Live And Let Die
Live And Let Die
Live And Let Die

Though It Takes A Lot Of Power
To Make A Big Tree Grow.
It Doesn't Need A Pot Of Knowledge.
For A Seed Knows What A Seed Must Know.

....some are just more sentimental than anything.

Octopus' Garden

Warning: Mind to keyboard action...Not so much thinking...not so much able to think...

First off, thank you to a few who've made iffy nights not so iffy. Your very greatly appreciated.

Moshing ( I don't like that word...its akward...but yeah..), beer, cigarettes, bar, boys flying, most of the 411 crew, very strange little man telling me I'm cute...good music...good night

Kittens love me. It's true.

I think I lost a $10 bill.

Random random entry. Sorry.

if you wanted, i think you could pull off being a transexual

English is a fickle language.
Two, non pronounced W
One, no W but a wuh is said

I guess a comedian does that skit. Don't know who but he's kinda right.

I'm losing my mind from lack of sleep
Among other things

But good news is I've stayed pretty content for a while
Stressed as hell maybe
But none the less content
Which may be a contradiction
But I'm thinking the contentness is from the people I'm around constantly. So I should probably try to stick with them.
But I miss one
She'll always be around though

I signed my life away today
It's done
Traded it in for something in return
But it's cool. It's time to grow up

Denny's holds interesting people
I'll leave it at that
I mean, doesn't say much, I go there

I'm going to sleep

I'm content.
Very sick.
But content.
I know the greatest people with the most beautiful personalities.
I got lucky this time.

Funny how things work out

And yet theres always someone not happy



but i am, and e$ is. and we deserve to be.

Mindless rambling, Go....

I'm sorry I made you sick, you shouldn't have been left out in the cold.
You two are the only ones who fit in this category. Because I want you happy.
But I'm definitely still fucked up about this. I'm a repetitive rebounder. I find someone/something new to fill in. Not thinking. Not listening. Trying to fill whatevers hurting. I've used alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, now people? That hurts too many. But how do I stop? I see it. I know it. But shit. What it comes down to, is I want what I can't have. A forbidden feeling. Something right in front of me everyday, that can't be, for whatever reason. And again, I know it, but I don't want these feelings that come along with that knowledge.

But anyways, I want to say, I've spoken to one already, but if you catch on other, don't let me stop you from anything that can be good. If you think it'll turn out great, do it. I love you both and want the best for you. And I know you both, and have guessed correctly whats going on on one end. So in the end, its not fun for me necessarily, but I'm willing to suck it up if its what you want. Please just be happy. Don't worry, I'm tough....ish.

So. I want to go back to meditating. Someone reminded me of it. My dad used to do that sort of stuff with me as a kid all the time, and taught me how well it works. But then I guess I entered the self medication world and forgot. But now I remember. So I can do it.

I hope I get to shoot some good stuff soon.

Thanks for putting up with my crazy rambling. I tend to not think before I speak or write lately sooo...yeah.

At least you have someone to ruin

I hate long nights, sleepless, alone.

The upside is its raining.

Lights off, music on, nice

But it would be nice to have someone here with me

But instead I'll cuddle with Janey and she'll protect me from strange noises

I had nice company tonight though, we did nothing and it was great

More nights like these should happen

I might disappear for a little while tomorrow, I think it'll help get me out of this funk I'm in. I get these, its normal for me. I know I'm in them, and see how I'm acting but have to ride it out. Theres things I can do to lessen them but not get out totally until theyre done. So I apologize if Ive been acting down, it happens. Ill be back soon.

Racing like a pro

Where else is home but here. This is family here. This is where love is.

True

Tonights about us, fuck that and don't let them ruin this

True

Been in a funk lately

True

Everything will be alright

Probably

You might need me more than you think you will

True


Long day, its official now
Disappointments are discouraging, grow up
I have money, which means I can buy books
Very cool

Peace Corpse and mispronunciation

What a silly situation

First off I'd like to say,

You don't know what you mean to me
I'm incredibly grateful
You have stepped up when no one else has moved an inch
You know what I'm thinking half the time
And we're family
Without you I'd be a whole different kinda crazy
And even if I shoot you in the arm you'll still have me as a friend
That says somethin man
We will know each other when we're 50 and back to sitting around drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes
You might be ill then, but we know in a few more years you wont be
Because we know everything, and we pretty much own the world

...and build awesome forts


Aaaanyways,


My body hates me and so do others apparently
I was in a conversation tonight that made things kind of blue
I was told some things that didn't feel good

So I just went and smoked some cigarettes on a swing with a bear
Much enjoyed
After the cold ate me alive I was brought upstairs to find someone
The bear found two some ones
Then I fell down the stairs
There's a little more to the two some ones behind the locked door
But I'm not one to speak
So out of reaction and soreness from those moving stairs
I went and was offered something to alter my recent state of mind
It worked
Mind altered
No emotion surprisingly
I'm getting good at this thing
But in the end, shitty thing to do. Shitty shitty thing

But anyways again,

It's getting late
I never sleep
I've found today that I have a very addictive personality
Very very addictive, but I'm not alone, I've got my twin sitting next to me on this
Oh its very pretty
How embarrassing

I'll give you a little hint about these
None of this will make sense unless its about you, or unless you were born on September 6th 1988.

Straight up

Good thing I'm numbed